Subject

I was holding an Economics textbook when I entered this slightly cheaper Western Cafe (Starbucks coffee costed minimum 30RMB, here 20RMB) to study.
Walked passed my Scottish Management Strategy lecturer with his colleague having a coffee session.
His colleague, George randomly asked me what book was I reading and I told him economics.
He quickly hit me with a rather unexpected question. "Why are you reading such a book, is it interesting?"
"It was for my revision" I reluctantly replied.
He then questioned again "Do you enjoy reading it?"
I stumbled and told him I find it interesting and it was my core module so I just have it do revision then left.
"Have fun" he said.
That made me sat down and had a thought about it.
Did I have a choice?


The Westerners do have a different perspective.
Asians do have a lot to improve eh?They could ace anything, but perspective wise, lagging behind.

Demons in the head

Right, I mentioned about having depression previously which I think is just a normal-young-adult kind of depression?
Let's see, how should I describe it. I'm bad at describing stuff so if it anyhow doesn't make sense or unclear about,well so be it.
Overthinking. Sometimes I just don't know what's going in my head.I can just interlink so many things that were happening into one thing. End up getting frustrated or upset. Ughh
Inner void. This comes with an anxiety attack,a very bad one sometimes. I don't mind admitting ,but yeah I broke down too. After one night of sleep and I'm back to normal.
Some people would say I lacked of love or feeling lonely.It's not that way tho, I just don't know how to put it.
As of today, I still can concentrate on my stuff (based on my observation). Still falling asleep in class as always even I had enough sleep,actually not,I've been sleeping late,very late.Maybe that's one of the reasons why my emotions were unstable.
The mood changes real fast.One second I'm in cloud nine ,another second I'm in hell with Hades.
Whatever it is, I'm still very sane.
I still make lame jokes that you couldn't stand.

And her.I don't know.
Today I tried avoiding her as much as I could.
Avoiding someone is so not me.
I did it and I felt bad about it.
She tried to talk to me but I didn't even look at her and speak.
I reluctantly replied with short answers and gave her a cold look.
Avoiding as much interactions as I could.
This is not the right way I know.
So what excuse am I giving this time?
I just need sometime away from her.At least for now.
But then again , I felt so selfish.
Why did I fall in love with this girl in the first place again?
On a side note, why would she care what I'm doing right?
I tak tau lah.One girl can turn my world upside down.
Feels so vulnerable now, this is not me , I need to get back up.

Double-edged sword

It is very much not about moving on because I know it.

I felt so complicated.

She's like the rain when the sun is soaring high in the sky.

What happened last year was still so fresh in my mind.

Those feelings never really faded.

Even there was a period of time I totally wiped her off my mind, it worked but not until we came over to China.

I know I'm being ridiculously stupid ,it was really hard to change my perception of her as someone I like to just being friends.

I wasn't even looking for chances.

I don't know what I want.

That day, she was skyping the bf in front of me.

I couldn't help it, I dropped the fucked up face straight which I didn't intend to at all.

This is the part I couldn't understand myself, why bother?Just why?

On a side note, I found myself suffering from mild depression.

No worries for now, I'm still wise as ever and strong as the great wall of china.

I'm just really unhappy,really really unhappy.

As of today, my academics are not affected,yet,hopefully never will. (I still want to go UK)
I'll elaborate more on that next time.
Till then.Adios.

Fill in the blanks

It's Friday night! Time to get the party started? Well, I'm not a party animal, so bye.
A friend of mine called me pussy for not going clubbing, what can I say?
Going clubbing doesn't make you any manlier,you can go have fun, go grab touch smooch dance all you want cause I don't care. If I feel like going, I will join the ride,
I talked to Ellys that day when we casually went to sports complex to play pool but we ended up playing badminton with some random lecturers ( Only found out they weren't local lecturers after that and I smashed one of them in the chest,opps?)
And yeah, that's how she mentioned about my temper.Based on my smashing style, she described me as a bull.It sort of made sense because my favourite number is 6 , I charge in basketball*I'm a power forward* , I have the strength and my temper is bad in a way.Heh
I'm pretty  puzzled with my own character most of the time,like I'm constantly changing.Like the weather.
It made me pondered for awhile since I couldn't remember throwing my temper at anyone since the first day of degree or maybe I did but I don't remember?Relatively to years before, I'll consider that my temper has been really good.But well, she didn't know about my past.
I prefer to be a direct/honest person if I could.I felt that sometimes people deserve to know what exactly are people thinking about them or have some opinions on  them.
But many times when I'm trying to be honest with people,either I'll feel guilty afterwards or I'll be too lazy to settle the dispute I might cause and so just let it go.

Been on a 9AM classes spree for 4 days and having less than 6 hours of sleep,so I think I'm just gonna stop here. I promise I'll come back with a better update if I'm not too lazy.
Adios niggas.Miss ya'll

P/S: @JustAnotherMe , you'll get it once I upload a photo about that shoe on insta, soon enough I hope.

The Red Nike Air Huarache

You got your eyes on that red,

So did I.

But your heart wasn't on the same red as mine.

#SorryIbrokeMyVow

Timeout

People in their 20s should be very much energetic and passionate in everything, let it be love,education,life goals...etc etc.
So let's just focus on the love part for today.A short one,I'm feeling dead from this flu I'm having.
I noticed lately I've lost interested in girls,hold it right there you,I'm not turning into gay.
What I'm trying to say that,I couldn't grow feelings towards them,like "oh hi you're attractive,bye".
Should I say I've lost the power to love someone?Or to fall for someone?
Friends been crazy over girls and stuff in China,then there's me,not much feelings.
I felt tired, thinking about the process and initiatives needed to know someone new again and over again. When I'm talking about knowing someone it doesn't go by just knowing their names and shit,I'm looking for something more in-depth.
As I always tell some of my friends about I'm the type of guy a girl will last fall for.
I'm not lacking of confidence tho.

Question.Are people worth the wait?

I miss you like fuck for nothing.

Drizzle

The weather is changing over here and I'm loving it.
It's so chilly and windy,heck I still sweat. I'm hot that's why.Opps?
It rained for whole day and currently still.I can see mist everywhere! With the orange light from the road lamps piercing through the mist, just lovely. 
Really really regret bringing the wrong pair of shoes ,worse still white colourway with cloth and leather.
People been asking me which pair of shoes I'm bringing before I departed, I would bring all if I could.Just to make it feels like home.Lol
Winter is coming.Yes , brace yourselves , winter is coming. The white walkers...
Yeah, still am still on GoT fever, sorry about that folks.
So winter is coming and I don't really have any winter clothes which is a major problem.
I don't know how to shop in China seriously,I find everything is so scattered.
Excited?Oh of course I am.First winter of my life.
Coming for this exchange gave me so many firsts, I may be living in comfort back in Malaysia,but I can also live well on my own over here.Hah! Still, fuck the toilet sharing.
China National Holidays are coming but I don't feel like going anywhere seriously.
It's China you see, people mountain people sea everywhere,screw the crowd , I need serenity.
On the other hand, the urge to explore China is not there, I have a thing for Western countries.
So for now, let's hope my exchange to UK campus will be approved.
Shanghai,Beijing,Suzhou,Hangzhou and where else?I guess I'll leave the planning to WK again.

Classes are back in business but the summer heat is still burning inside, I need to cool down ASAP, can't choke my way through year 2.

Adios niggas.

Nature

Greetings from University of Nottingham China,NingBo Campus.
It took me quite a long time to connect to a VPN since you know freaking many sites are blocked here, including blogger,wtf right?
Let's not talk about the VPN shit, waste of brain essence.
I'm more to ranting this time cause I couldn't stand it.
Been here for few days, the environment,people,food (salty much), weather, transport and whatever it is are pretty satisfying,up to my expectations i would say.
As for the accomodation , living in a unit sharing toilet with 2 strangers is rather an unpleasant thing for me. So used to having your own clean,private toilet and now you have to share with people who don't share the same hygiene practice as you.God fuck it. OCD game strong.
People here wear shoes until their room doors.So yeah,the common area is quite dirty...but thank god not the bathroom,even they wear shoes to take a dump or pee.Worst still, there is no water hose.
I rarely see my roommates except for Wen Khai,like everyday since we still to the old Malaysian gang.One Mauritian and another one a Hongkee.
I'm living in an international student building,so basically people from around the world live here.
Yes,do expect a lot of western cultures going on here. They just had house party just now,and went for the real game after they ended the pre-game session in few rooms in the building. Something fresh and yeah,IDGAF lol. Asians are minority and it's hard to blend in unless you're really into their style,just I felt that,maybe I'm just not good at socialising,but yeah, most of them are much older,Masters students and came from other universities.
I'mma skip everything about the life here for now,let's get back to what I wanted to rant about.
Well, we had a supper with few China people just now(they are our exchange pals,more precisely,my friend's).
As usual, few of my friends just couldn't be normal when meeting with girls,any girl as they are pretty.(for them)All started to lose their mind and tried so hard to flirt,there's one even played dumb in front of them. Like hello? You flirt but flirt with class and style, not making yourself stupid,talking nonsense and bullshit,acting like a kid ,not knowing how to talk some simple sense.
Almost flipped the table watching my friends talking to the china girls. God knows how they think about us behind. Felt so embarrassed.I don't know how you can get so crazy about girls until you cant think properly,I'm starting to doubt am I normal.
They always have this exaggerated reaction towards girls and I'm just cool.
Pretty then pretty la? On some occasions , I'll exaggerate a little but not overboard please.
As if they never seen a girl before.
Till next time,adios.

The new beginning

So, I left Malaysia to China.
I'm typing this in Hong Kong airport after not sleeping for 24hours.
This is pretty weird and exciting, traveling to another country,having no where to settle down for half a day is pretty fucked up, I repeat,fucked up.
Fucked up in the sense that I'm enjoying it.
Scrap the having no-sleep-night out.
The whole family sent me off along with few friends along.
How did I feel?Nothing. Even I don't know why.Maybe the feels just haven't kick in.
We'll see about that in few days.
Alright,let's get back to one night in Hong Kong.
During the flight, my luck was pretty good? Had a cute petite english speaking girl from Malaysia sitting beside me. Oh, she was 21 years old and from SBS,KL people KL people! Cuteness overloaded when she asked me to guess her age,hah!
What's more interesting was she's having a credit transfer to UK all by herself. Solo trip over there.
It amazes me how people can learn how to survive through solitude just for studies.Wish her luck then.
Can't even think straight now, mentally and physically exhausted, having to travel around HK with a backpack weighing bricks, hand luggage and a camera bag up and down everywhere.
-Till next time-

Farewell

In 1 week time I'll be settling down in Ningbo China.
Talk about mixed feelings.
First time leaving home for so long, to be honest, I'm excited and at the same time scared.
Definitely will miss the food in Malaysia, more importantly Bah Kut Teh.
Ironic is that I'm not even born in Klang but yeah, I've fallen in love with the Bah Kut Teh there.
I know I'm leaving in such a hurry cause I changed my mind out of nowhere early August.
But, I'm really grateful to have WK and SY by my side that night.If they didn't spend hours trying to persuade me , I might be stranded in Malaysia for another year.
Let's be honest, the ultimate reason why I didn't want to go at first was because of a girl.
I like her a lot, a girl with personality.Nuff said.
What happened was short and she's yet another complicated one.
I don't want to disclose much details since I don't find it important anyway.
Decisions are hard to make.And then I told myself , I deserve a happier life,enough of struggling with love, stop wasting opportunities just to try my luck.
Not saying I'm giving up on her.
Just she's too far away and I couldn't reach her;I tried.
 

 -"If she continues to stay inside her comfort zone, waiting for that particular guy everyone got no fucking idea who he is, just let her be" -

I told myself again and again.I'm really tired of this kind of shit.
I'm too sleepy to talk about her,lets skip for now.

So, what else can be done before flying off?
Meeting up with people of course.
Some people I've not seen for months, some changed some remained.
Remember the time I did a lot of complaining about people not willing to find time for meetups or make efforts.
Now, it got a lot better,every session is precious as gold.
I love listening to their stories,all the rants,all the bullshits.
At some point, I hated myself for not being to mix well with people last time,lost so many opportunities! Wasted.

Till next time.I'm too sleepy and tired after a long ass day.
Adios.

Ya doin good gurl ;)

One moment, I'm staying.
Another moment, I'm leaving.
But this time, I'm leaving for real.

Javla Fita!

Every time when I tried to get my fingers working on the keyboard after opening a new post sheet ,I stopped.That's why I left the blog dead for quite some time. I needed serenity for my poor mind and soul.
It's just me being me sometimes. Worrying about things I shouldn't worry about or should I say being too sensitive? There will be times where you'll be fully loaded with endorphins and times you feeling depressed/desolated/hopeless... down to the core.Ups and downs of life alright.

I was invited by my friend to  an employee training course seminar somewhere in PJ the other day.
At first I wasn't expecting anything, just thinking that there will be a speaker brainwashing people for the whole evening.Guess I was wrong. There were interactions among the audiences ( the speaker made us mingle around). For god sake it was awkward as hell, I wasn't prepared at all . We're expected to introduce ourselves and tell your partner(a stranger) about your goals.
I stood there for 30seconds, observing people around me, some could just pull it out smoothly, and there's me lagging. But at least I talked to someone in the end, talking about stepping out of your comfort zone. I can't start a conversation easily and let it spread like a wildfire , I need time. I knew this was my weakness all along , and it was one of the reasons why my friend brought me there.
Although the aim of the event was to promote the training course provided by the company but it was a good experience. Probably it was the age gap that made things hard, I'm like 20 and most of them are working adults from age 23 onwards.
The funny part was before the whole session ended, they placed few of their course graduates to talk to us in a small group. It was a pity for the girl who approached our group, I knew she tried very hard to pierce through our wall,proudly saying ,psychological attacks will not work on me.
If you ever known about emotional intelligence,I'm both strong and weak on that.
You know you're invulnerable when people keep attacking you with questions but they can't seem to make things progress the way they wanted.
So, be strong or to be eaten. To certain people you're a prey, they'll come hunting for you, why not turn it another way round,instead they will be hunted.

Fate

It is always during exams when shit happens. Felt like I'm being cursed for my past doings.probably yes.

Stressed as fuck.

I need a hug )': 

Mirror

She's like another version of you. Just differ in age and physically.

Short writer

Had my first paper for finals yesterday and it was smooth.I hope.
Economics-the study of bullshit theories which do not apply in real life.
 Too many variables to be taken care of so it made no sense,but you have to constantly telling yourself that things that never make sense always are the one that make you learn!
This exam reminded of the good old days during secondary when people got so excited after finishing a particular paper. Everyone will be mingling around ,whining/crying/boasting on how the paper was.But , I stood aside yesterday when all my friends were discussing and questioning this and that.It's during exam periods I would notice all the little things, I no longer have the hype of doing things I used to do. I felt numb, like it's just exams anyways, you go in there do what you know and what you should,bam!That's the end. No more further discussion because that's the past.
I've noticed the change of mindset in me recently,I tend to move forward,I've stopped stranding at the same point over and over again although sometimes I did take a detour back to my past, but yeah, everything happened for a reason and what I can do is embrace it.
I'm not sure about other guys but I don't talk about my problems that often,unless its academic related.Solving it in heart or mind?Worst decision ever but I like that,I did that a lot and ended up trying to "kill myself",no I didn't attempt/try/want/need to suicide.Just killing myself inside if you didn't get me.
So how did I cope with it? Speeding.Yes I speed a lot lately,ever since the Cameron trip where my friend "forced" me to reach 160-180km/h just to keep up.Hell yeah it was fun,but not very fun since I'm driving that petrol sucker.Can't wait to get another car but I wish to pay the installments myself, so I just have to wait until the time is right.Soon enough,soon.Having an eye on Subaru XV or Honda HR-V, but first, learn to earn money and we'll talk about it.I do feel guilty buying things with my parents money, so I've cut down a lot of spending unless it's necessary.BUT,if they offer to buy,WHY NOT HAHAHA. I don't mind being spoiled once awhile.But, some people would just judge me as a rich kid so what can I do right? Watch me, I will prove you wrong. If you know me well , you won't judge me that way, except for the sneakers part,sorry about that.Oh, I've stopped buying for now, shoe price is getting ridiculous. Hobby doesn't count okay.Thanks.
I still eat normal food,I don't fancy abalone,lobster,.....[all the luxuries you name it], I can walk into the restaurant,sit down and look at the menu,slightly higher price?Either I walk out or I'll just order snacks. (If with a girl,things do not apply this way,I'm a dick HAHA)
I woke up at 7.30am, gravity was too strong i laid back on bed and woke up at 8.30am and until now,typing this after a game of DOTA.I still DOTA , just during exam time,other than that I don't even touch it.Why? Invincible stress. I swear this game is a waste of time and degenerating people.However, proud that Malaysians are doing good in the competition,all the best.
Suddenly I have this desire to keep on typing when I'm supposed to study.It has been a long since I wrote this much of England except for exams.
My unimates don't know I have a blog?Maybe I should share with one or few of them?
but there's risk.Let me teach you how to calculate risk:

Risk=Risk-free rate+ Beta(Market Risk- Risk-free rate)

Toilet calling me for big business,time to stop.
Adios.
"..oh I'll tell you all about it when i see you again.."

You're just like her

She's just like you

Light in the dark.

Hey, hang in there, you'll be fine.
It's okay to lose hope
It's okay to get heartbroken
It's okay to try to hold on for now
It's okay to miss him
It's okay to pretend
You just need time for yourself, wrap up the wound and continue walking.
Nobody is right or wrong. It's part of growing up.
You gotta love yourself more.
Come on girl, you're a strong one.
Hang in there.

The grass by the roadside

I don't have a 4.0 CGPA
I don't have the height
I don't have the charm
I don't have the rights
I don't have a place in you people's heart
I don't have the money

But I have the confidence to tell you people that,
You can trust me and open up (:

Break even point

Some part of me is happy,some part of me not.
I'm at a point where I no longer can differentiate I've fallen in love with this person,or I'm just having sympathy,or observing this person too much or attached or being adhesive.
Welp, faced too many people with lovesick problems in their head.

Conceal.Dont feel.

What I would had said if I chose to speak from the bottom of my heart?
1)Thank You for making me a happy kid for the past few months
2)You were the reason I got back my courage
3)You made me smiled like an idiot
4)I thought I found the right one
5)I tried to help you through everything
6)I tried to understand you more and make you get over your past
7)I was too innocent to go all out
8)You made me went through a lot of tough nights
9)In the end,you still chose to go back to your ex although you said its not official,but it's clear enough.
10)Wish you happy always,lucky seven.
Adios.

Hallucination

They say you will expose yourself more to different types of people and experience as you grow up.
And yes it does.
Making it short, these past few months had been crazy.
Tried so hard to fall in love again but ended up dropping out of the heart shape again.
You think you got control over your life and destiny but actually in fact not at all.
I hated plot twists a lot,it happened to me a lot of times.
Not just in relationship but throughout my life.
They were interesting yet sorrowful, I guess that's what made me who I am now.
I'm not reluctant to say that in certain situation I'm quite a strong person because I understand.
And really, it scares me every time when I have no feelings for disappointments.Call it,numb.

University life?Hell ya it's interesting and tiring.
What did I achieve so far?
1)Event managing
2)Survived first business exam
3)Trained myself for public speaking
4)I found a dream
5)Drove myself for a road trip
6)Star gazing on top of Broga Hill
7)Keeping friends that are worth keeping
And the list goes on,I can't think of other things for now.
So.Adios.Till the next time.
This is why i prefer talking over writing.

I finally understood

the feeling of being occupied

for whole day

leaving no space for something else.

Pain must be felt.

我也很无辜。
做好人，到最后还是自己吃亏。
我不会再相信。 (:

Stupidity?Or loyalty?

I'm starting to doubt myself,my decisions,my judgement.Basically, everything.
I'm forever making a mistake,dont I?
Sucks to say that it would be better if I did better that time,that few years back.
I'm just looking for pure happiness.That's all I wanted.

Leap of faith

First let's have a toast.For a better year,with bigger dreams and more achievements and breakthroughs!Cheers! Hopefully 2015 will be a great year.

Currently I'm still struggling through with my degree since Im sort of a newbie in Business course?As dumb as it sounds, switching from Science to Business,totally no correlation.But, I believe everything will pay off in the end.
What is life without some love component right? That's right, I'm caught up with love problems again. I might give u advices and solutions in relationship problems but yeah I can't even handle my own,how ironic.What is more interesting is that I always get myself into trouble. Maybe,just maybe I'm still caught up with the past.

So,how did the story started?
I met this girl during the second day of Uni.
She's not my type,for those people who know me will understand.
So, I thought it would be nice if I just focus on my studies for the rest of the years since the people here are mostly Chinese-educated.
I was looking for English-educated girls,I was disappointed at first,very.Hahaha.
Then,few friends of mine gave me a wake up call.If I continue to be picky, as well buy a one-way ticket to the island of bachelors.
As a result of that,I decided to open up.I didnt mean to act all mighty or shit,just it's not wrong to have a specific requirement right?
You will understand why I have issues with this if you know my past.
As I hung out more with my Uni mates more, I got to interact with her more.
I'll be straight to the point, I got hit by her cupid shuttlecock during our first badminton session.
Have I ever told you that I got a thing for girls that play sports?Especially sports that I play.
I thought I was just admiring her at first because of her badminton skills.That's what I thought.
I took another step further not long after.To know her more, I needed to bring her out,you could say a date.
And yes I did,lucky me to have understanding friends,they sacrifice a movie for me haha.
And....the story goes on and on and on.

She's complicated.
She drives me nuts sometimes.
She cant be read.
She's unpredictable.
Yes.She's worth a fight.

That's all I can disclose for now.Adios bitches.

If you ever wondered,

do i still have a place for you?

Always will.Till the end.