Subject

I was holding an Economics textbook when I entered this slightly cheaper Western Cafe (Starbucks coffee costed minimum 30RMB, here 20RMB) to study.
Walked passed my Scottish Management Strategy lecturer with his colleague having a coffee session.
His colleague, George randomly asked me what book was I reading and I told him economics.
He quickly hit me with a rather unexpected question. "Why are you reading such a book, is it interesting?"
"It was for my revision" I reluctantly replied.
He then questioned again "Do you enjoy reading it?"
I stumbled and told him I find it interesting and it was my core module so I just have it do revision then left.
"Have fun" he said.
That made me sat down and had a thought about it.
Did I have a choice?


The Westerners do have a different perspective.
Asians do have a lot to improve eh?They could ace anything, but perspective wise, lagging behind.

Demons in the head

Right, I mentioned about having depression previously which I think is just a normal-young-adult kind of depression?
Let's see, how should I describe it. I'm bad at describing stuff so if it anyhow doesn't make sense or unclear about,well so be it.
Overthinking. Sometimes I just don't know what's going in my head.I can just interlink so many things that were happening into one thing. End up getting frustrated or upset. Ughh
Inner void. This comes with an anxiety attack,a very bad one sometimes. I don't mind admitting ,but yeah I broke down too. After one night of sleep and I'm back to normal.
Some people would say I lacked of love or feeling lonely.It's not that way tho, I just don't know how to put it.
As of today, I still can concentrate on my stuff (based on my observation). Still falling asleep in class as always even I had enough sleep,actually not,I've been sleeping late,very late.Maybe that's one of the reasons why my emotions were unstable.
The mood changes real fast.One second I'm in cloud nine ,another second I'm in hell with Hades.
Whatever it is, I'm still very sane.
I still make lame jokes that you couldn't stand.

And her.I don't know.
Today I tried avoiding her as much as I could.
Avoiding someone is so not me.
I did it and I felt bad about it.
She tried to talk to me but I didn't even look at her and speak.
I reluctantly replied with short answers and gave her a cold look.
Avoiding as much interactions as I could.
This is not the right way I know.
So what excuse am I giving this time?
I just need sometime away from her.At least for now.
But then again , I felt so selfish.
Why did I fall in love with this girl in the first place again?
On a side note, why would she care what I'm doing right?
I tak tau lah.One girl can turn my world upside down.
Feels so vulnerable now, this is not me , I need to get back up.

Double-edged sword

It is very much not about moving on because I know it.

I felt so complicated.

She's like the rain when the sun is soaring high in the sky.

What happened last year was still so fresh in my mind.

Those feelings never really faded.

Even there was a period of time I totally wiped her off my mind, it worked but not until we came over to China.

I know I'm being ridiculously stupid ,it was really hard to change my perception of her as someone I like to just being friends.

I wasn't even looking for chances.

I don't know what I want.

That day, she was skyping the bf in front of me.

I couldn't help it, I dropped the fucked up face straight which I didn't intend to at all.

This is the part I couldn't understand myself, why bother?Just why?

On a side note, I found myself suffering from mild depression.

No worries for now, I'm still wise as ever and strong as the great wall of china.

I'm just really unhappy,really really unhappy.

As of today, my academics are not affected,yet,hopefully never will. (I still want to go UK)
I'll elaborate more on that next time.
Till then.Adios.