Decisions

不想每次都装坚强。很累。很很累。
我只想要一切都很顺利。

我玩不起

Until today, I have seen numerous relationship problems,let it be bad or good,this girl cheating that guy,this guy cheating the girl or whatever it is.What I cant understand is ,is it so hard to be committed?All you need is some effort and passion from both sides,simple as that.
Please.Don't.Take.Advantage.Of.Me.If.You.Are.Not.Serious.At.All
That's all I wanted.
Adios.

How good if she is you

Boomerang that never return

"why are you willing to do so much when you're not sure of the return"

-As long as I'm happy with what I am doing,it's fine,I dont mind being the nice person all the time.

-Those people who understand will not question,and those people who question shall not understand even with explanation-

I tried so hard,I really did.

What is my existence to you (:

.

Half time

Barely had time to breath lately,meetings,assignments,revisions and many things to catch up.
I would like to say sorry to those people who I accidentally "ditched" since I am so "busy". I promise I will get back to you people once I have the time.
Time management and discipline is no joke now.Back then I didnt care much since I have a lot of time but now,I couldnt afford to waste any although I still procrastinate a lot.
Let's keep it up until December!

The dark of growing up

Fuck feelings,that is why I chose to stay single.
I dont want to fall again.

Redefined

Aside from how stuffed my life is now due to activities,meetings and assignments,there's still time for me to catch a breathe and think about something.
I may seem to be absolutely fine from the outside claiming Im feeling good and enjoying life as it is,well I am,just 50% truth 50% lie?I really cant catch up with my mind whether I prefer to be in a relationship or just stay single and mingle around as I wish.Maybe I shouldnt be thinking of getting a partner until Im clear of what I actually want.Am I still traumatized by the past?Unlikely.Afraid of making the wrong choice?Probably.
There's this major problem I'm facing now is that I'm being too picky.First thing first,why am I even choosing?Insecurities?I believe every guy has his own standard of ideal partner,dont bullshit me saying you dont have one.Personally I have a very high requirement in which I did had found people that have all the ticks but you know,shits happen all the time.Saddening?Nah,this is part of life.The more I stick to the "requirements" the more frustrated I get.At times I find myself a bitch and yelling to myself in the head saying "You ownself arent any better,who are you to comment so much on people".I sucked,I know hahaha.
What does it feel like to be in love and having someone right beside you again?
Let's hope things will get better soon.

Adios,till next time (:

I miss you and you.

Perspective

I prefer talking to people more instead of writing a blog now.Many things happened and I dont know where to start and what to say about it.
I miss those people who have went missing for god-knows how long already.
You will eventually fed up trying to get everyone out because sometimes just no fucks were given.People who are meant to stay will stay eh?Well that's just how I felt.On the other hand,everyone has their own things to be busy with,so I have no rights to complain.Oh well,life goes on.

University life is much more better than I have imagined.Honestly,UNMC is far better than TARUC.Every Penny counts!Sorry for being an ass,just my opinion,no hard feelings.
Traveling to-and-fro campus is not a problem so far,the one thing that I'm concerned is petrol budget! It is hell driving an Innova that spends more money than feeding my own stomach. Hope to get a downgrade from a 7-seater to a sedan maybe?Money problem again.Everything is about money!Time to think of a plan on earning money instead of "saving" money.I'm still believing that money can buy happiness.Please dont argue with me on that.

Question of my life: Am I destined to meet girls/women who are taken for the rest of my life?
*Note*: I am NOT dry.
Adios.Update again soon.

Wish I could be there.

One way ticket.

I dont usually care on how people judge me but it does matter when it comes to treating me as your friend.

So sick of always being the one who cares of the tiny little stuffs and being the concerning one.
In the end?Being the one knowing nothing and of course disappointed.
*Note* Im not trying to be oh wow holy shit damn good of you,just expressing it out.
If you do feel bad or guilty,Im absolutely sorry.Accept my apology alright.
What do you feel when you're forever the 2nd,3rd,4th,5th...choice no matter in what circumstances
You call it overthinking?I dont think so.It is called realization.
Hypocrites are everywhere,but I wont deny the fact that I am one too.Even so,please I beg you dont be one in front of me,Im watching you treating me like a clown.Clowns,they smile on their faces but deep inside they weep too.
Anyway,sorry for all these whining ,there arent any better place to throw these thrash from my head other than blog.

Still,this is part of life,moving on,growing up,be more wiser and wiser.Im always ready for anything,anything.Bring it on oh dear life ahead (:
Adios.

oh just something I found somewhere when I was surfing.
"每一次告別，最好用力一點。多說一句，可能就是最後一句，多看一眼，可能就是最後一眼"

My cup of coffee,your cup of coffee

What do people do during their free time?Currently I am very curious about it.Maybe it's because of this freaking long holiday I am having right now,at some point I'm in misery thinking what to do next.I wonder how do some people survive by not doing anything in life!?
As crazy as it sounds,I am dreading to start Uni.Out of sudden ,there's some kind of passion in me,driving me to move forward.
Remember I mentioning on getting a job?With utmost disappointment,I didnt find one.
I do feel guilty for not working when there are people of my age right now working their ass off for a living or to earn their own expenses.A ridiculous excuse i always give- I dont want to work for something which has no benefit for me except cash.That is what stopping me and I hate it.Someone need to slap me in the face to change my mind.Hah thin chance for that though.
I read through my blog posts and I found that I lacked of something to make a post "merrier",that's right,pictures.Whether anyone reading or not,I should put more effort on it well make it a good habit just in case people are sick of just reading words without any graphics.Time to look into that I suppose (:
Speaking of passion,I read a passage on making clear between passion and interest wrote by my senior.He took coffee as an example to illustrate the case and at some point I'm totally agree with what he wrote but from certain aspect it got too personal and a bit autocratic.Why I say so is because you dont determine one's passion by the look of it,you have to understand that person.Yes of course if that person is very into coffee he would have the initiative to know more about coffee on its history and so on.But does that mean his passion towards coffee is a fake if he didnt bother to know at all?Or maybe I have to change the way i interpret the word "passion"?

Okay.Lazy to continue for now.Brain dead.Out of crap.Adios
"thelastseen" if you ever wondered 

Fundamental

People been asking me this question quite frequent lately-"Aren't you sad?"
To be honest,what's there to sad about?Technically yes it's quite sad but you cant look everything in the bad way right?
I cant complain much because that's the choice I have made and I'm determined to deal with the consequences.Life is all about taking the leap of faith,I know it sounds suicidal but at least you tried you know?
There are things worth holding on and some arent,in the end you will realize the outcome is not important but the process is.
A lot of things you cant wait it to happen,it requires passion,effort and sacrifice to ignite the spark.That's why I always tell myself not to be passive anymore,be an active person.God knows how fed up I am sometimes having to deal with turn downs or declination.It sucked but I have learned things from there.
That's all for now I guess.
Adios.

*Ohh the encrypted message in the previous post,if you want to know,come find me*

The sky's full of stars but where's mine?

I love blogging at midnight,there's nothing to bother me,peaceful enough for the mind to operate.Well,it is also the time people's mind start thinking?Am i right?
So,I went out with my cousin sister to catch up with her and she surprised me with her "love stories".I swear they were epic and kudos to those guys who had the guts to confess.But seriously,they were like jokers.Who the hell confesses after meeting someone for once,like not even a day time.Give me a break!You aint buying a shirt hello!
She told me good guys are hard to find nowadays and I replied her so are the women,not girls alright.You see,there were a lot of them for a period of time and too many shits happened which caused them to extinct.
"A relationship apocalypse changed people's mind and their perspective,some gave up after shits happened."-This was what we concluded,it made sense in a way?Do you understand?No?Yes?Sokay,doesnt matter.
Previously I didnt dare to open up to my cousins because there are things I didnt want my parents to know.Now I find that they were more trustworthy compared to last time maybe they are all grown ups now?Im quite happy with it,at least there are close ones you can talk to.

All my senses come to life

Coffee and people, basically that's my life now. I dont like big group of people for coffee date because I just dont like it. 2 to 3 person will be fine. Dont get the wrong idea and things will be fine and smooth. You can just forget about the time and enjoy the day. Looking forward for more sessions! Adios.

My Dirty little Secret

Just another dream

Once again I have lost hope.
Things never did happen the way i wanted,well most of the time.
This is life i guess?Chin up! (: (:
I will keep searching,I will find you till the world runs out of petrol.

-I bought 2 books and I'm feeling weird-

Adios.

Random thoughts #101

I dont understand myself sometimes,neither my friends too hahaha.Ridiculous isnt it?
Oh well because this is JH,JH is being a JH.

Everyone has their respective ways of enjoying a process right?So dont judge without knowing anything.I enjoy being silent and feel the atmosphere,in a way I do sound like an introvert?Hah! I dont know anyway.

Holidays are boring,for now.Slack like a worm it is.


-Sam smith's songs are lovely-
Adios.

stay with me.

Hi.Im back after being missing in action for so long.Since im stuck in this bus on the way to pangkor again so why not make use of the time. A2 just ended not long ago which means yeah I'm finally done with A-levels course. It was one hell of a 1.5 year course, spent so much time and effort on getting those past year questions done was something im proud of.Now just hope for the best result which will be releasing in August.Cant believe im actually parting with my classmates so soon,I mean im just starting to get along with them so well and everyone is going separate ways now.I really wish everything happened like half a year earlier.These people are amazing,from different personalities and dreams,I had learned a lot and inspired too.I love talking to them,you can just spit out anything in your mind and discuss about it.We can talk all day long,listening to different thoughts which I enjoyed very much.Let's hope our journey will not end here,despite being at different parts of the world or Malaysia.
Actually I had a lot of points running in my head during the exam month,just the usual me being lazy and making excuses,hah!You cant help it when your idea just poof,gone,vanished like that.Maybe I should write down whenever i thought of something next time.Sometimes these ideas just keep coming in when you are watching or experiencing on somethig but you are out of hands to handle them.Damn!

And so my journey on studying people continues.Let's talk about something called loneliness.Yes this horrendous emotion created by satan.*im just saying* You might think it is terrible to feel lonely but it's not when you can make use of it.Of course of course not that loneliness in the middle of the nightnight,just take care of yourself i would say,even i cant help myself with that hahahaha.If you have something in mind that troubles you then just express it out verbally or posting it on social media.Screw those people saying you're seeking for attention. HELLO,that's why It's called social media,but well dont do it quite often,that will make you look weak mentally.When you feel lonely, just do something to occupy yourself,since you are alone you can do whatever you ,take it as some kind of freedon instead of something sorrowful. It is always your choice on how you want to handle it.I know many people will just go emotional when they get lonely, that's not a good approach i would say.Instead ,just clear your mind and sleep or do something to distarct yourself. If you like gaming then game all the way.Music?Listen to something that hypes you up not emotional songs for goodness sake.At last alternative , just cry. Life is too short to be down (:
 A few months break, definitely more than enough.It's only the third week and im bored already.Get a job?Sure,but i dont want my work to occupy my time. See the irony?Im freaking selfish and I cant help it.Looking for a job that I can actually learn something,hell no to promoter.Dead boring.Maybe i should just get my ass back to tuition centre admin.So in the midst of this boring holiday,I started to cook!I love food and so why not i make food too.Mum's a good cook and that makes thing comes in handy.Time to read some books too i guess,not story books tho,I can never survive more than 10pages.What a miracle right, JH starting to read, come come give me a clap.

Will update again soon!
Adios.

Chin Up

Whatzappp I'm back!
I think i should write monthly,like a monthly report?I'm just too lazy to write sometimes but tonight the urge is here!But first Happy birthday to me tho it was around 2 weeks ago.Officially 19 now,another year closer to 20.Pretty excited and scared I would say,things are just starting to get real.
Nope,nope,nope I didnt really celebrate my birthday cause it was during A2 trials,yeah screw that,it totally ruined my mood hahaha.Still thank you to my college mates who bought me a cake,love you guys!Starting to cherish these kind of lil stuffs in life.Be grateful i tell myself (:

Lately,I had been thinking what kind of person am I cause sometimes Im confused myself.I tend to change my thinking from time to time but not having a fixed constant.You could say that Im a person who follows the flow and deal with things accordingly,but I find it isnt really a good approach nowadays,more like leading me to troubles.Sometimes I cant make a solid decision,I always doubt myself and that's when my self-confidence drops below the line.A lot of work need to be done after A-levels!Time to brush up myself and face the reality.
I believe people do wonder how important they are towards the others,at what place do they stand and what role are they in.Something unpleasant about this is that people get to grade you and of course you get to grade them back.I guess this is how life works?It's a system.
Yeah I do grade my friends and dont tell me you dont cause you're a fucking liar.But please sometimes, dont leave them behind once their job is done,that feeling is fucking awful.Not trying to say I didnt make such mistakes,in fact I did a few times and people did that to me too.Just avoid if possible,you can save a lot of hearts from breaking.
Have you ever thought of what would happen if one day you just make up your mind and being real honest towards people around you.How life will change and will they look at you at a different perspective.It takes up a  lot of courage to be honest because sometimes you wont know what's going to happen after that.Always expect the unexpected and prepare for the worst of it.I always tried to tell my friends what's in my mind despite hurting their feelings or whatever,yeah sorry my friend,i hope you will understand what's my motive hahaha.
I can be a very good friend and also a very bad friend (:
Learning how to deal with people is very important,tolerating with people isnt an easy job,you can get over it once but not everytime.There are a few occasions where I really cant stand a friend of mine,you dont complain people being an ass when yourself is being one in front of me,grow up!I will not hesitate to correct you tho.
I did realize I cant accept things that I find it "like-duh-of-course-" being a major problem or something fascinating,I might just get freaking annoyed,well that's my problem,no worries haha.
I really love midnight talks,spilling words out from the bottom of the heart,no boundaries at all,share things that you wont even mention during the day.Friends like that are really great!

Met my Indian friend that day during SABIU2014,we had a walk around the school compound and reminiscing those times when we were in high school.High school was like a dream,a very short and quick one,at certain times i still cant accept that i graduated 2 years already.Back then ,life can be so carefree,you dont have to be worried on so many things.Now,if you're planning to be carefree ,you can just go home and hug your bolster.I promised myself  to spend more time on future planning this year,its time to stop fooling around and get things done.Games?Would have to get rid of that habit from time to time.So far so good i guess?

If you think you know me very well,then you're totally wrong.Yes,from the surface of it I may looked like the person you hang out with everyday,but if you really know me,you wont even judge me that way.I know people DGAF but really cant stand it when they act all like "Hah i know you're that kind,this and that",come on,you cant always have the same mind set all the time right?Well,I cant control people's mind right (:
 Until now,I still cant find anyone who understands me like she did,seriously hahaha,Yes,Im complimenting her tho it was the past.Well,Im happy for her right now, being all good.Been a long time since we last met,maybe a meet up after A-levels.Sounds good?Hah.

Since I have forgotten what i wanted to write,thats all for now,adios (:

-Whatever you read here,stays here-

It was a lie

I was expecting.

dy/dx of life.

Yes,tonight is the night,I'm having the urge to blog and I dont know why.
You can never force me to do something which i have no intention in doing but yeah just induce me will do hahaha.
Life is getting much interesting as the days left for A-levels is decreasing gradually which means more and more things needed to be taken care of.It is the time like this I start to look at people around me and learn anything which is useful for me.Basically im focusing on self enrichment since i find myself have been lacking a lot of personal skills.Since last year i have been trying to step out of my comfort zone in everything.I learned to communicate with people more instead of just staying shy and timid all day long,yeah i am proud of that hah!However,i do still have the habit keeping quiet sometimes.I can deal with a few people when im talking but when in groups totally gone case,still trying to fix this bug of mine,well takes time!Now im just enjoying meeting new people,taking every chance i have without holding back.I kept telling myself that if i want to learn more and improve myself in life,i must meet more people and learn from them based on their characteristics and experiences.To be honest,I love to observe people's movement,attitude and talking,from there i analysis and have a thought of it by myself.Studying a person is actually very interesting,please dont get me wrong by the phrase "studying a person".Well thats what i always do when im sitting in the canteen,and of course i do look at girls too,which guy doesnt do that right?

Have you ever ask yourself what's the point of treating people good and is it worth to do so when people might just not appreciate it?I had gone through of lot of these kind of shits but my reaction most of the time was "Who the F cares?", as long as I enjoy doing that's enough.Yes,I have this weird habit to be happy by making others happy which means I dont care how,if i know you're sad or whatever,I will find a way to make you happy or at least feel better.*This doesnt apply everytime okay,dont misunderstood,please,please.*I purposely make this obvious.
Of course I wont do it for the sake of everyone ,Im not kind until that extent,Im still an evil meanie.
But,if you request for help,there's a fat chance i will say YES.Sometimes i also dont know why i will sacrifice myself for other people,just why?Hahaha.
This is my blog post so i will be very honest towards everyone,I dont care how are you going to judge me but this is me,you cant do anything.
-I dont treat everyone with the same level of kindness
If you are special enough,anything,just anything within my capabilities i will help you through it
-Sometimes i have intention in doing things
Yes im evil sometimes.No harm right?I also want some benefits okay ):
In conclusion,I just love helping people whenever i can/capable/have the time/in the mood/you're pretty or handsome *joking seriously*hahaha

I think life should not be just following the norms that you are used to and comfortable with,there are certain times you just have to break it.Life is too short to hold on on things that drags you down.You decide the happiness you want,things that you deserved.Everything has its own difficulties,it is just the matter of you daring enough or not to make a move.If you need assistance,look around for it.No matter how strong a person is,at one point he will fall too.Even if you fall,that's not the end because that's where you can start all over again,putting yourself as the top priority,no more unnecessary problems that make you sad,depressed or lose hope,just move forward and look for your own happiness.
That's what im doing for now,i guess?
Some people find me playful/not serious /pathetic,oh well i dont blame them cause they dont know me deep inside.You will never know what's behind that smile.Forgive me,everyone has a dark side in them alright (:
I cant stop being emotional sometimes,well probably most of the times?hahaha
Either i will just shut myself for whole day or at night........-people around me will know-
call me attention seeker or what,do as you please because thats how i let everything out.
I dont have the heart to keep everything inside i used to have.I wont want to risk my life hahaha.
*sorry for the crap*

Everything is just from my point of view,if you dont agree with it,feel free to correct me,much appreciated (: 
That's all for now.
Brain out of juice.Till next time!

Yes,I was dead serious if you look into my eyes.

A brand new life.2014

Okay,this post supposed to be written by yesterday or new year's eve but im too lazy to write.Yes,a brand new year but laziness will always be there,deal with it!I dont know what to say about 2013 tho,so many things happened,sad ones and happy ones through out the year.
I guess i shall recall everything happened all the way starting from January?

January:
Oh yay?SPM ended not long and i was enrolled into TARC for A-levels,seriously,i didnt know what was in my mind that time.I didnt know what to study,just blindly decided to take A-levels in January,there was a tiny little regret in me i would say,I should had went to work for few months?I love the feeling when i get my hands on the money i earned by myself,rather than taking money from parents.At certain point of view,i find myself being spoiled by my parents hahaha,but i know they wanted the best for me,oh well.Maybe through working I would get to know my directions more clearly?Now,lets talk about the first month in college.As usual,people seeing me as an unfriendly figure,an arrogant person.Actually im not if you get to know me more hahaha.Starting of the month i didnt talk to much people because of culture shock at first,i have difficulties meeting new people,i just cant mix with people i dont know,i took some time to overcome all these weakness in me!Proud to say that that was one of the biggest achievements in 2013.

February:
Hah!The Chinese New Year month, also the only time i hanged out with most of my high school friends,in the following months ,everyone was getting busy and some starting to disappear hahaha.Just 2 months after high school,I was still in a state that missing high school like forever,missing everyone badly especially 5K-ians.February was quite a dull month after CNY?

March:
And here comes March,my birthday month!也是我最后一次真诚地微笑
It was supposed to be the best month of the year,but it wasnt at all.This was where everything changed,the major turning point.I was still in a 2-ears old relationship that time,well a lot of things happened ever since December and along the way until now,i still blame myself for not getting things right when problems came up.To be exact,i wasnt putting effort,thats what i felt after few months.But oh well,too late so just letting it go.Nah,not in the mood to talk about this,got sick of it actually hahaha.就当有缘没份。

April-September:
Im feeling lazy to list out things month by month you see,so im summarizing few months together,I knew i cant write a freaking long post for once.opps?Started to like college more and of course mixing with more people.There's something i enjoy doing was listening to other people's life story,their experiences and looking through their personality.I know it's weird hahaha.Sometimes i learnt things in life which i dont know how to express it out,just me myself understands.Nevermind forget about it.Also,AS exam was coming real soon!For few months i tortured myself at midnight not to sleep but study,just to restrain myself from thinking too much unnecessary stuffs.Looked awful and will never repeating it again,not worth it!It was also a great time for myself to learn to walk alone in life.Eat alone?Walk alone?Movie alone?No problem.Not till certain occasions,it sucked as F.Thats it haha.

October-December
AS exam started early October and ended late November,it was more torturing compared to SPM due to the gap between the papers.It's like you're on holiday but you were bounded by exams,the mood to enjoy the holidays wasnt there.First time ever having exams during holidays,why did they count that as our sem break anyway?Pfft.
As soon as AS exam ended,finally a small trip over to Kiasu land-Singapore with family.Stayed in Hard Rock hotel for 2days and it was extremely comfortable!Of course the price kills.When you wanted to enjoy life,money starts talking.Sigh.Then Christmas and New Year came! Spent both days quite differently this year compared to the previous years,at least im not stucked at home alright.

Most importantly,
I wanted to say thank you to everyone whoever appeared in my 2013 life,it doesnt matter you hurt me,hate me,love me,like me or did anything to me through out the year,what's life without all these right?I do have a lot of regrets and things to be done in 2013 but failed to do so,some can be brought forward to 2014 but some are just too late.Gonna start 2014 with a brand new resolution,to a better life,a better me.Continue to look for a reason to smile everyday,help more people,influence people whether good or bad,fight for what i want,fight for my own happiness.

2013 Achievements:
-ran two 10KM Marathons
-SPM 7A+2A
-Second place for SPUS Basketball competition
-Captain JHong for the Bball team!
-Earned RM75 by working as tuition centre admin
-Failed furthermaths
-First JayChou concert

Im no longer the old me (:

-Goodbye 2013.-